Where do I start. How much should I reveal. Who am I. Where am I going.
So many questions. So many thoughts. This is me honestly.
I´v realised that the more publicity the blog and I get, the more I want to hide.
Maybe note hide is the right word, but more protect my self. It´s not a consciously decision, it´s more a insidious result. From just being me, Jeanette, with my own thoughts and ideas. Thoughts that is important for my way of living and what I believe in. To be a person who speaks, share my views, my beliefs and design. It sounds all so good, and in a way it is. My only problem is that I do not believe in right or wrong, I believe in the everlasting circle.
While writing this I see how hard it is to describe, but I hope you follow me.
I often find myself playing roles to fit in. Doing what I think others expect me to do. I think most of us do, now and then. Sometimes it is even necessary. But lately I´ve had the feeling of getting lost. That I let myself down, together with my inner belief. Like a rug being pulled under my feet. Not a good state of mind to be in. I´m used to show my strong side and have control, so telling you about my struggle is actually a bit hard. Even though I know it makes me more human.
The feeling; “I´m selling my soul” has come to my mind. Having sponsors on board together with the studio and advertisers on the blog. Why should that make it so different. Why should I not make money. Why do I feel guilty.
So I´m telling my self, I´m worth it
It´s work that I´m doing, hard work
My voice is powerful and I can do what I want!
It takes time to believe it
For a while I´ve been loosing my magic
But I´m on my way back
Giving myself the same advice as I gave my BYW students;
It´s the only way to be happy
to stand out
So, back to where I started
Where my heart is placed
Where I met my first readers
Where the joy and energy is put
Full of flaws and deficiencies